Cutting the cord

Check out my google map of where I'm planning on going!
TRAVEL MAP!

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It's been around 2 weeks since the MKP New Warrior Training Adventure (NWTA) and I'm almost done cutting the cord. Mostly I'm still just waiting on my car to sell so I'll have at least some cash for the road. If it doesn't sell this week, however, I may decide to just leave cash-less and figure it out while I'm out and about.

This has left me in a cloud of uncertainty, and it's been quite uncomfortable. Indeed, as time goes on, it feels like a vice is clamping down on me.  I want to leave, but I feel that I can't leave without things being a bit more in order. Things like selling my car and buying a new cell-phone and figuring out how much to pack.

I'm worried about food and money and where I'll sleep and whether I'll get stuck places and if I'll get robbed. Shall I keep my gear light enough for couch-surfing, or stuff an internal frame bag and rough it a bit? Will I be able to find work to make a bit of money for food and supplies, or just go hungry/beg? Without the cash from selling my car, things will be a lot more difficult...

I've had a lot of worry lately, and much of it about the nature of my travel itself. Is this travel based upon good reasons? It's gonna be real hard...how much do I even want to do this, anyway? I'm not sure I'll even enjoy it...

Despite all this, I do have windows of relief from worry. I've been going on long walks with a small amount of gear as a way to get in the mood for hitchhiking, or "walking" (as Colin Fletcher puts it). The walks have served two purposes: one, exercise, and two, a reminder of why I want to travel in the first place. There's a simplicity that's at the core of where I want to be, which is embodied in this commitment to travel, change, life. It's a shedding of the old layers of myself that no longer serve and an emerging into risk, and to do so I must let go of many of the things I think I need in order to be okay. Indeed, I may need to let to go of the notion of being safe at all.

As I write, I'm getting terrifying close to the conclusion that I'll have to step out the door tomorrow morning with my two bags and my dad's old walking stick. I have zero dollars to my name, but a growing amount of frustration and resolve. My cell-phone's half-busted, my people don't know when or if even I'm coming, and I don't exactly know where I'm headed nor how I'll get there. Is that good enough? What do I need, really? My blood, my sweat, and my tears...