😀

Here's a Journal entry from 14 May.

Healing. Energy work. Fresh air. Coffee. Talking. Non-thinking. Forests. Procrastination. Fear. Stuck-ness. Sexuality. Naturalness. Warmth. Tai chi. Free yoga. Juggling. Subaru outbacks. Sleeping in public. Returning to stillness. Self-examination. What do I want? People. Time. Fingernails. Not taking pictures. Taking pictures. Tarot reading. Now-ness. Is-ness. Waiting. Walking. Wondering. Wondering. Charity. Relating. Strangers. Fast friends. Plans. Reminiscing. Vicariousness. Fear-facing. Liberating. Calm. Downtempo jazz. Pee urgency. Coffee.

I wonder if I even have much to write? I have a lot to say, usually. Am I just out of the habit? I suppose I may have to force myself to write some more to find out if the flow will continue--if the energy I have to express will do so in this way.

I do want write songs, even poetry. I like to rhyme...occasionally. And the rhythm, it's quite nice to find the fit, just right, alongside, can't help but hum. And hiding little treasures, that's fun, too.

Ok. Where have I been and what's happened?

...it's strange not to want to write. Shall I eventually write a book? It's all been written already. Only thing that's new is my take on it. Weird.

I'm mostly writing about writing at this point... Kind of vacuous. Is that avoidance? It's a start. Where's the art? I mostly feel content eexpressing myself verbally to people. Now I just see writing as a tool rather than a need, or an outlet. However, I do have some desire floating around to cultivate this art form, this craft. I have some skill in it already, yes? Shall I continue with it?

I can write about where I've been, what's happened, what I want, what I plan, how it all feels, things I've learned... What do I want to communicate? What do others want to hear about? What do I have to give? How can I reciprocate? How am I already giving? Energy? Inspiration? Blessings?

The idea of blessing people makes me uncomfortable; it feels forced, holier-than-thou. I do feel that priest/monk is the closest match for a vocation that I've come across so far, and I do wonder how to more explicitly reciprocate with other people in a way that fits my natural tendencies and developed skills... I've been considering something along the lines of healing (reiki or massage), but it doesn't always feel appropriate; people aren't always welcoming to that level of intimacy with a stranger. But I feel that reiki and massage may be two of my most nourishing offerings. I suppose listening is another. Compassion?

Okay... This journey arose out of a depression, a disenchantment. I came out of it after finishing a book about the masculine pscyhe, "HE", by Robert Johnson. After reading it through one sleepless, depressed night, I realized that I needed to go on a Hero's Journey. I needed to slay dragons, do some knight errantry. That sort of thing. But mainly I needed to shed what was left of my "mother's homespun garment, my mother complex. I needed to leave the nest once and for all, to take my life and my livelihood more completely into my own hands and embrace risk and make my own way in the world. Create a new home.

My depression lifted. Immediately. Vitality and meaning and purpose returned.

(I just got up to use the restroom and I was really enjoying walking! I want to do more tai chi.)

---Later---

Maybe Taylor and I could leave after the Sound Healing class with Jen on Thursday?

This community forest in Arcata is absolutely incredible. Combined witn listening to the audio book of "Energy Medicine" by Donna Eden is doubly divine. It all felt a bit overwhelming just now. Like a dream come true? Coming home? I had an energy release along the pericardium meridian, cried, laughed, the usual. Deep recognition. I do feel like I need to meet Donna. The holisitic, encompassing, visual quality of her experience with energy just feels so familiar and right. I just feel a certainty.

Also, it's been like my fight or flight response has been going off... The forest? Maybe I'm sensitive enough to have a negative reaction to the close proximity of my cellphone to my heart? Or maybe the energy from Donna Eden througb the audio book? Very freaky. Maybe I've been poisoned. Oh, I just noticed my finger has a new  cut and is quite bloody, maybe that was it.